Good morning, or afternoon, or evening. It has been a while since my last post. I have been debating what to write about. To be honest I wanted my next post to be upbeat and positive. But recently, with regards to many aspects of my life, it is hard to be upbeat and positive.
Here are a few things that are true:
- I have some amazing friends and family, who love me and want what's best for me.
- I have an amazing church family, who support me through the thick and the thin.
- I believe God exists, and not only exists but cares for me deeply.
- I have a decent job, a relatively worry-free life and live in a great country.
Here are a few things that are also true:
- I struggle with many aspects in my life.
- I seem to be stuck in a rut regarding weight loss.
- Much of my time throughout the day is spent in worry and anxiety.
- I want so many good things for my life but seem so powerless to achieve these things.
These two lists are not exhaustive but hopefully paint a picture for you. I know intellectually that the first list should (and does) by far outweigh the second. But recently all I have been able to focus on is the second list. I feel I have been letting God down, letting my friends/family down, letting my employer down, and letting myself down.
Every bad choice boils down to the same thing. I know I shouldn't eat x/y, I know I should go to church, I know I should be more productive at work, I know I should exercise, I know I shouldn't let myself feel a certain way, I know I should be happy with the blessings I have, I know I shouldn't worry, I know I should focus on paying down my debt. Yet I often seem to choose the opposite of what I know.
I don't want to be north of 400lbs.
I don't want to be always depressed and anxious.
I don't want to always worry about every little thing health wise.
I want to be able to enjoy a relationship and eventual family.
I want to be able to say that I am living a faithful Christian life.
I want to be able to say that I am more than the sum of my worries, doubt, and pain.
There you have it, my hopes and dreams. I am under no illusion, I know everyone has their struggles, and my struggle are not unique. But I am now at a crossroads, one path leads to the same unfulfilling choices, the other to the life I want/desire. I want so very much to take the right path, but the draw of the wrong path seems so strong right now.
How do I set myself of the right path? I think the answer is the small choices, discipline and dedication. I always make these grand gestures and plans, these lavish goals and dreams. Instead, I should be setting realistic goals. Yes, a marathon is about making it to the end, but in between the end and the start are many many individual steps. I need to focus more on those individual steps. I need to take two steps forward, even if in between those two steps forward is one step back.
I know I am not alone, and neither are you. The crazy times we live in currently have made it so easy to think that. Maybe I don't know you personally, but there is someone who does, who wants to see you succeed. I want to see you succeed. While it seems to be hopeless right now, one day we will be looking back only to see how far we have come. I hope and pray that day comes soon.